I wonder if laughter could expand my spine, if it could make space between the vertebrae pushed together by the weight I was born wearing. I wouldn’t be surprised if it were that simple, even after all the chiropractor visits, massages, acupuncture, yoga, and gym regimes. The simplicity of magic always makes me laugh. I stand in my kitchen with a pineapple popsicle in my mouth, mesmerized by the sunlight twinkling on the river water I can see from here and it feels as if staring at liquid shimmer could be my purpose. I remember a dear friend telling me that I am exceptionally geared towards noticing and celebrating beauty as I walked through the archway of what felt like prehistorically enormous blue hydrangeas. I walked around all of the Pacific Northwest last summer touching every beautiful thing I could find. It was heaven. Not heavenly, heaven. See, I know something most people don’t realize until they are full of grief and regret: heaven is a state of mind, a moment in time, a lifestyle orientation. Heaven is here now— not as in a place to find or a level to achieve but as in the here and now. The Here and Now does feel like a place you can drop into, and a level you can rise to, but the shape of the space isn’t the point. The point is being present in its existence. You won’t find heaven anywhere else, not in the past and not in the future. I knew heaven even when I was a little girl who would crouch next to my bed crying and shaking while my father screamed at my mother that she could leave if she didn’t like it and my mother screamed back I hate you. I knew how to create heaven even then, alone in my room with my books and my prayers and the sunlight twinkling on the creek water outside my bedroom window. I didn’t know then that the creek would one day grow into a river and I’d still be alone in my room with my books and my prayers, trying to remember what heaven feels like. But it didn’t matter. I didn’t need to know the room would become a home and the creek would become a river to experience peace beyond understanding. I woke up this morning deciding to remember. I let myself forget because I used to enter heaven to leave home. Now I come home to enter heaven. I didn’t even realize I was home because I was still running from hell. But there’s nothing left to run from anymore. I’ve said that before but now I mean it, now I say it with everything in the space between my throat and my clit. I’ve slain all my dragons and turned all my lead into the gold from which I cast the gates of my kingdom within. Praise gods I stopped running long enough to realize it’s been me this whole time. I have been shining on myself. I am the sun and I am the water. I am the liquid shimmering gold. I laugh, and my spine expands.
"I let myself forget because I used to enter heaven to leave home" really resonated with me. I hadn't put that into words for myself before. <3
Why do I feel like I just read the Prologue of an epic, lyrical novel ?!!? Gorgeous.